Meridith and me...it was never meant to be

The "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" show was holding auditions in Fort Worth yesterday at  the beautiful Bass Performance Hall and the Commish was there to compete for my dream of being on a big bucks game show, and satisfying one of the hungers I have known.  I was on the road at 7:00 a.m. in order to get there in time to be at the front of the line.  That bad guess should have been a sign of the failure and disappointment to come.  People started lining up at 3:00a.m. and at 9:00 a.m. the line was all the way around the block and starting to double up again.  This was in addition to the contestants already admitted to the Hall.  It looked like an American Idol audition sans hotties.  You've heard of the movie "Revenge Of the Nerds", well this picture could have been entitiled "Revenge On the Nerds".  What a collection and that includes yours truly.  First I looked at the line , then I looked ast the weather report which promised the hottest day of the year with temps reaching 105.  I quickly determined that the only ones who were going to make a milliom dolars that day were the owners of the parking lotsand the sellers of  water for $2.00 a bottle.  A call to Mama Sants convinced me to stick it out for a while, so I took up residence in an air conditioned Barnes and Noble coffee shop directly across from the front door of Bass Hall, purchased a newspaper and an oreo cheesecake surprise and spent the next two hours comfortably perusing the newspaper  and the idiots in the hot sun across the street.  After about two hours of viewing little movement in the line,  one of the giant guardian angels above the entrance to the Hall must have whispered in the show producer's ear that maybe he should try to warehouse these pitiful humans inside the Hall instead of watching them expire from heat exhaustion in the streets.  As a result,  large groups started to be admitted into the building.  Enter the return of the Slimish.  Without making eye contact with anyone I merged into the front of the line and gained entry about 3 hours earlier than if I had done the honorable thing and started at the back of the line.  What I saw amazed me.  Let me describe just a few of the fellow contestants that I observed over the next three hours before we actually were administered the TEST.

There were people that came prepared for a long stay.  I'm not talking about just books, newspapers and magazines...I'm talking guitars, full suitcases, and reference books out the Kazoo.  One lady was studying an Atlas for the entire 3 hours, others had movie almanacs.  The ones I really couldn't understand were those that brought their young children with them to endure a minimum seven hour wait so that the parents could take a ten minute test that they had a 90% plus chance of failing.  These families may never make the Millionaire show, however, I look forward to their appearance on Dr. Phil in about ten years   I loved the occupational hookie players,  I eavesdropped on one cell phone conversation in which this guy was telling his boss that he hadn't made it to his scheduled first sales call of the day because something had "come up".  This guy was one of my favorites, because he actually brought his own chair with him, which he moved every time the line moved.  One guy has caused me to codify a new Commish's Rule.  Here it is.  "Overweight guys in their 50's with mullets shall not be allowed to purchase or wear Vince Young #10 jersey."  I am all for hero worship but  there have to be limits.  Let's make it easy.  Overweight guys can only wear jerseys with numbers in the 70's.   Next Commish Rule:  "Thou shalt not ruin classic visual images embedded in the minds of men of all ages, no matter how uncomfortable a day spent in 105 degree heat makes you".  This one needs some backstory.  Our culture has a few universal iconic images from the movies that deserve respect.  Bo Derek running on the beach in "10" or that James Dean slumped over sneer from "Rebel Without A Cause", but the most famous and endearing of all may be that of Marilyn Monroe in the "Seven Year Itch" standing over that subway grate in New York city so that the rushing air from a passing train could cool her off and at the same time totally but ever so innocently blow her dress up above her thighs.  Now this exposure could not have been considered  obscene even in the 50's, but it was and remains one of the sexiest images in our culture.  Fast forward to Fort Worth yesterday.  A matronly looking middleager in an ankle length skirt, in order to cool herself offinside the hall, found an oasis over a floor vent.  Her skirt started to billow ever so slightly...thankfully.  The Marilyn flashback immediately came to mind, but was quickly folliowed by another iconic image from my youth...The parachute ride at Six Flags. I was just glad that we didn't experience an electrical surge that might have increased the billowing effect.  In any event my Marilyn image has been forever violated by the parachute lady...I'm just glad her hair wasn't in corn rows.   

Well, the rest is anticlimactic.  At about 3:00p.m. our group of 200 was finally escorted into the testing area.  First we had to fill out a questionnaire that would be the basis for an audition interview in the event we achieved a qualifying score on the ten minute multiple choice trivia contest.  I was confident that I aced the interview questions.  I described Screenball, I mentioned the Blog,  I included my most embarasing moment...the famous Make A Face story that I will one day recount for the blogaudience.  My best entry was my answer to the question, " Is there anything about you that other people might find annoying?  My answer was, "It might be my tendency to procrastinate, but I'll have to get back to you later with my final answer".  That was my ticket to the seat right across from Meredith in prime time.  The competition in the test room looked formidable, but I started to feel more confident as the responses to the traditional "Are there any questions? question was given.  Here are two samples.  "If I get selected to appear on the show in New York, will it be allright if I stay in New Jersey with some friends?"  My answer would have been "It's ok but Donald trump was so looking forward to hosting your stay at the Towers"  Then there was a question from a guy who had just stood in line for seven hours to take a ten minute test that he had little chance of passing in order to get a 1 in 100 chance of being selected for the show.  He was very concerned about how long the taping of his appearance om WWTBAM would take once he had made it to the promised land in NYC.  The best question of all was after we completed the 10 minute Scantron test from a 30 question sheet with the first 15 questions on one side of the sheet and questions 16 through 30 on the other side of the sheet.  It seems that when this guy opened his envelope containing the test, the side beginning with question #16 was facing him and he proceeded to put his answer to #16 in box #1 on the Scantron and so on and so on.  There was a slight laugh that went through the crowd on that one, but I suddenly realized what was probably the reason for my less than stellar performance on the SAT's back in 1965.

End of story...I felt really good about my answers.  I only had to guess on about four of them (I even knew why Flamingos are pink, do you?)but I must have gone 0 for 4 on those guesses because I wasn' t chosen for the killer interview I was ready to give.  In frustration when they started throwing out tee shirts to us losers, I shamelessly knocked the parachute lady down and got mine...just kidding.  What did mama Sants have to say about all of this?  "My husband went to the Millionaire tryouts, and all I got was this lousy tee shirt." 

Comments

[Chris F.]

Commish, this might be my favorite post yet.

Now, we need to get you to the Jeopardy tryouts. Don't give up the dream.

[Big Hurt]

Comedy gold:

"Overweight guys in their 50's with mullets shall not be allowed to purchase or wear Vince Young #10 jersey." I am all for hero worship but there have to be limits. Let's make it easy. Overweight guys can only wear jerseys with numbers in the 70's. "

[Olieo]

When Vince is an overwright 50 year old can he wear his own jersey? How does Commish rule on that?

[dirtydi]

OK, I'll bite.....is it because they eat pink food?

What did Mama say to make you stay there?

I agree with Chris about comedy gold!!!

[Big Hurt]

Young flamingos hatch with white plumage, but the feathers of an adult range from light pink to bright red, due to carotenoids (natural, photosynthetic dye) obtained from their food supply. A flamingo that is well fed and healthy is vibrantly coloured bright pink or red. The pinker a flamingo is, the more desirable it is as a mate. A white or pale flamingo, however, is usually unhealthy or suffering from a lack of food. Notable exceptions are the flamingos in captivity, many of which turned a pale pink as they are not fed foods containing sufficient amounts of carotene. This is changing as more zoos begin to add shrimp and other supplements to the diets of their flamingos. All flamingos have 12 black flight feathers in each wing.

Alternatively, they may be pink from sunburn as flamingos live in S. America, Africa, and the Caribbean.

[Chris F.]

Captain Internet uses his magic once again. Good job.

[Big Hurt]

It was cheating, I guess. Given that Commish doesn't write in the comment section, i decided to step in.

[Chris F.]

Happy B-day Commish!!!!

[Big Hurt]

Yep, happy birthday, Commish!

[Ryan]

Can we get a recount on some favorite bday memories???

[Schnitzy...]

Long Live the King... just wanted to wish you a happy b-day commish!

[sneakypete]

Happy Birthday Commish! You take the cake.

[rainbow flyer]

happy birthday commish!
drink a mexican coke for me!

[Olieo]

Cupleanos felis.

Sreenball americano es muy divertido.

[the illegal]

happy belated b-day -- is that the reason why there hasn't been a post in weeks -- filled up with mexican cokes and well-wishings...

where's the new?

chun has a verys hort attention span mish -- he's not as loyal as the sants 2 job-havers (¬-havers) that read your site with a religious fervor -- ya gotta get in there and stoke the fires...

i'm curious as to your take on the sudoku craze that's taken the nation lately (especially the folks in your demographic) - views?

[the illegal]

happy belated b-day -- is that the reason why there hasn't been a post in weeks -- filled up with mexican cokes and well-wishings...

where's the new?

chun has a very short attention span mish -- he's not as loyal as the sants2 job-havers ( and not-havers) that read your site with a religious fervor -- ya gotta get in there and stoke the fires...

i'm curious as to your take on the sudoku craze that's taken the nation lately (especially the folks in your demographic) - views?

nice Aggie-Spanish Olsen.

[Daniel]

Commish and Hungers I Have I Known; never meant to last?

[Chris F.]

Bashka Nishka, BASHKA!!!

[Big Hurt]

Alas, poor Hungers I Have Known, I knew it, Commish. A blog of infinite jest; of most excellent fancy.

[Ryan]

I'd like to read a blog about how difficult it can be to keep up with writing a blog.

[Chris F.]

Does the internet still exist in techno-burb Plano, or are they on to the next big thing already? Come on Commish, what about Yosemite? What about the upcoming Texas/Ohio State match-up? Throw us a bone here.